Tube Etiquette

I've learnt a lot since moving to London nearly a year ago. London is an exciting, hectic city: one that has its own rules. Although the majority of these are unwritten all Londoners are aware of them which make newbies such as myself stick out like a sore, throbbing thumb. Don't be a thumb, no one wants to be a thumb..

With the Olympics fast approaching I thought I’d do the honourable thing by writing a blog about the rules of the underground for all the tourists and Olympic-keeno’s that will soon be clogging up our beloved tubes. Take note….

1.       The signs on the escalators that say “Stand to the right” are not there for decoration. I once made the nearly fatal mistake of standing on the left side of an escalator. I was blissfully unaware of the whole “stand on the right” situation and was simply too engaged in the conversation I was having with my friend to realise I needed to abide to such rule. That was until I was growled at. I innocently turned around and much to my surprise found that a Lion hadn’t escaped from London Zoo but the thing that had just growled in my right ear was in fact a fully grown man (I’m guessing around 50 years of age) smartly dressed in a suit and tapping away on his Blackberry. He then continued to shout “Can you not f***in read? Stand on the f***ing right you imbecile.” I was terrified and quickly scurried to the right hand side and stood there shaking like a leaf for the rest of my escalator ride. According to an article I read recently Londoners suffer from Chronophobia – a fear of time. Rushing is subsequently a part of a Londoner’s daily routine, so much so that people stress over losing a single minute of time, hence the whole stand on the right rule. Learn from my mistakes and don’t even contemplate standing on the left, no matter how quiet it may look there will ALWAYS be someone ready to pounce and trample over you. And that person, ironically, may be me. I'm starting to realise how much London life has changed me over the last 10 months. After making the left-hand-side mistake I’m now more likely to be the impatient person subtly coughing behind someone’s back rather than the clueless soul standing on the wrong side. Of course I’ll follow the cough up with an “excuse me” because no matter where you are: manners don’t cost a thing.

2.       Find your Oyster card before you get to the barrier. There’s nothing worse than clutching your Oyster and being stuck behind someone who faffs around looking for their card in their pockets/bag/briefcase. You know full well that you’re going to need to it to enter the station so prepare yourself before you get there please.

3.       If you have luggage don’t put it on the seat next to you, clog up the middle of the aisle by putting it by your feet or leave it unattended because that my friends will create a security alert and no one wants one of those when underground in a dark tunnel surrounded by rats. Trust me. I’ve been there. It wasn’t fun.

4.       Try to avoid eye contact with people and God forbid don’t strike up a conversation with the guy next to you who’s reading a book that you recently read and loved. The chances are he won’t want to discuss it with you, and if by some sort of miracle/strange reason he does, the rest of the carriage most definitely won’t share your passion. They’ll think you’re weird for starting a conversation with a stranger and they’ll also probably get annoyed with the fact that you’re talking. Shhh.

5.       Don’t take pictures by Underground signs. Yes you’re at Oxford Street, well done; now get over it because you’re certainly not the first to visit and you most definitely won’t be the last. However if you really must insist on doing so (and I agree that there are some stations that do need photos with: see Cockfosters) then please don’t stop mid-walk just as people are getting off the train because it will aggravate and cause hassle. Wait until it’s a bit quieter, that way it will also cause a lot less embarrassment… Prepare yourself for an onslaught of weird looks.

6.       Respect a queue and don’t push in. Londoner’s may rush and are extremely busy but you rarely see them skip a queue. Join the back and wait your turn like everyone else or prepare to face the wrath.

7.       Tube doors open automatically. The buttons on them don’t work. There’s subsequently no need to push them, constantly.

8.       Let people get off before you get on. This is a golden rule. It’s seen as impolite and if you don’t follow this you’ll undoubtedly receive looks of unimaginable hatred. As I’ve mentioned several times before: Londoner’s are normally in a rush so you won’t have to wait too long and you probably won’t miss the train either. And even if you do there will be another one along shortly so don’t fret.

9.       Give up your seat to pregnant women or the elderly. Think of it as your good deed of the day. You’ll be repaid for said action with good karma afterwards. (Or so I keep telling myself every time I do it. I’m still waiting for a puppy if you’re listening Karma…)

I think that just about covers the most important of rules. All that’s left to do is wish you well on your adventures on the underground. I hope all your journeys are pleasant, safe and most importantly that you don’t find your head nestled underneath a man’s armpit after he’s worked a full day without wearing any deodorant. See you on the Central line….. xo

Smile

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight - Phyllis Diller

A smile is a simple facial expression that involves flexing the muscles near both ends of the mouth to create an upwards curve to indicate happiness, joy, pleasure or amusement. Smiling is something that is understood by everyone despite their language, race or religion; it is internationally recognised and appreciated.

I enjoy smiling. I’d like to think that I smile quite a lot; I’m generally quite a smiley person, which is why it’s so painfully obvious when I’m in a bad mood. Ooops?! Anyway I smiled today. In fact I smiled today for numerous reasons. Some of these include the fact that I finished work at 4pm, had my hair cutely plaited by Rimi, purchased the new Heat, Star and Grazia magazines, listened to my favourite song of the moment: Ghetto Baby by Cheryl, managed to grab a clean and brand new copy of Stylist magazine (fellow Londoners will appreciate this), got home just in time before the heavens decided to open, saw pictures of Harper Beckham walking, was informed that there is going to be another Nativity film and also devoured a delicious chicken salad for lunch. It would be fair to say that although nothing spectacular has happened in my day, I’ve smiled regardless.

There are plenty of other reasons to smile, including:

1     Smiling makes you “attractive.” We are subconsciously drawn to people who smile. Frowns, scowls and grimaces all push people away, however a smile draws them in. (Note to self when I spot a hottie at work.)

2     Smiling is contagious. When you’re in the company of someone who is smiling it helps lift your mood as well. So pass on your smile on to those less-smiley than yourself!

3       Smiling can change your mood. Apparently you can trick yourself into thinking you’re happy by simply smiling. I tried this the other day and it actually worked (admittedly this was only because I ended up laughing about how ridiculous I was: sat there grinning like a Cheshire cat even though I was angry!) Nevertheless it worked!

Yesterday I smiled so much that my cheeks physically ached. I was given the task of greeting every customer that came into the store. Cue a lot of smiling, hello, hi, good afternoon, welcome, how are you? etc etc. I’m not going to lie when I was informed of my task for the day I wasn’t extremely optimistic, I mean Londoners aren’t exactly renowned for their smiling and welcoming demeanours however the shoppers of Westfield proved this stereotype wrong. Nearly everyone I greeted smiled and said hello back with some engaging in a full blown conversation with me (one lady had flown in from New York for a wedding, another man was writing an article for the Sun about a day-in-the-life-of-an-athlete and a couple of elderly ladies complimented my lipstick colour and wished they were young enough to wear it as well!) I was pleasantly surprised which subsequently made me smile even more.

Since moving to London it’s been blatantly obvious to see the differences in lifestyles between here and Bournemouth. Whereas it was a normal day-to-day occurrence for me to smile at a stranger that I’d passed on the street back home, when I do it up here I'm often greeted by a look of confusion. *Did that girl just smile at me? Weird.* Yep that’s right lady sat opposite me on the tube, I just smiled at you! Don’t look too deeply into it, don’t ask questions, just take it, smile back and then pass it on to someone else!

I’m guilty and freely admit that I am often way too quick to grumble about the bad things instead of forgetting them and focusing on the numerous reasons I have to smile.* I suggest that tomorrow you all smile at a stranger, it’ll take only a split second and a few facial muscle movements from you but it could well be the only sunshine they see all day, especially the way our British “summer” is going…. Give it a try! :)

 *FYI just in case you were wondering what the one thing that makes me smile more than anything in the entire world is…. I'll give you one guess and one guess only….. Jazpups. OBVS! She could make a proper Grumpy McGrumpson crack open a smile, even though she isn't exactly a fan of smiling herself! I like to think she's constantly pulling a "VB" when she has pictures, she is just as fabulous as her after all!

Child friendly, but staying child free.

I've always strongly protested that I do not like children but recently, rather shamefully, I've come to realise that this isn't strictly true. I do like children, well I do until they start screaming, crying or whining: as soon as that happens I go back to being the unmaternal, stone-hearted witch that dislikes kids! Give me a chirpy, chatty, engaging and amusing child and I’ll happily be their best friend, but the minute their bottom lip starts quivering, their feet start stamping and the tears start rolling down their chubby cheeks and I'm outta there!

Although I personally don’t see babies in my future anytime soon, a lot of my friends have babies/children so it’s not unusual for me to be in the company of little people under the ages of five. For example I attended Lois' birthday party over the weekend, she turned three and is a real cutie! I had an absolutely great time and happily chased John (her 18 month old cousin) around the soft play-area whilst he ran away shrieking dodging plenty of other screaming, energetic kids. I, surprisingly, didn’t freak out once which is quite the achievement! However as would be expected at a kids party when surrounded by families with children the old "do you want a baby?" question popped up to which I gave the usual blunt response: no. Awks!

The truth is even though I’m often seen as this cruel, heart-less monster who doesn't want kids I’ve actually always got on with children, even though ones I don’t know make me nervous. For some reason they seem to like me, I’m not sure why! For example Tilly and Frank (aged 5 and 3) basically morph into my shadows not leaving my sides whenever I visit their house for a catch-up with their mum. When it’s time for me to leave it doesn’t go down well: Tilly has cried and the last time I saw them Frank point-blank refused to speak to me after telling him I was leaving. I felt well bad. Another example is Lacey. Lacey is 8 months old, although in the picture she was only 2 months. Once again I’m not sure what I’ve done but she likes seeing me. She often watches me from the other side of the room while smiling and laughing or rolls around the floor without taking her eyes off me. Bless her little cottons!

Now, as controversial as this may sound I definitely prefer babies as they get older. Yes, granted newborns are cute because they’re so diddy and small but do you know how intimidating and nerve-wracking it is (especially because I’m not a mum myself) to hold a new-born, delicate, precious baby whilst its protective mother watches your every move without blinking? Answer: VERY. If the truth be known I am absolutely terrified of little babies purely because I’m scared of breaking them. Some are so small I’m terrified I’m going to snap them simply by moving. I can’t cope with the pressure hence why I don’t often go near them. I like to admire from afar because that way I can’t cause any damage. However give me a one year old who’s fallen over whilst attempting to walk and suffered a few scratches and survived and I feel a lot more confident.

Whilst most females coo over any baby or child they see, I often don’t. God forbid: I’m a 23 year old who doesn’t fantasise about having babies. So freaking what? Bite me! To me the beauty of babies is the fact that I can give them back. I get to enjoy their laughter, their smiles and the fun times and then as soon as it all starts going down hill and they get grouchy or need their nappy changed I get to hand them back. Perfect! In fact instead of cooing I’ll more than likely be judging the parents choice of outfit and pram. For example recently a lady came into where I work with the pram I want (I may not want children but I sure as hell want this pram, it would look prefect with a puppy sat in it…!) Whilst a colleague of mine was admiring the child and talking about how she wants one herself, I was admiring the pram and the tiny little Dior shoes the lucky child was wearing. I was jealous of a baby - brilliant!

Because children have never been high up on my to-do list I also don’t know much about them. I often have no idea how old a child is and I don’t have the foggiest about what they should be doing at what age. In my mind I thought it was completely normal for a one year old to be stringing together coherent sentences and singing the alphabet: apparently this isn’t the case!

So there we have it: I may not planning on popping out a sprog of my own any time soon, and I'd most definitely rather have a puppy or a handbag than a baby but that doesn’t make me a cold-hearted child-despising creature… 
Although having said all of that if I come across a screaming/crying/shrieking child that I don’t know tomorrow (or any other day for that matter) I will snarl at it. 
You've been warned children…


Love Aunty Em ;) x

David Beckham’s Team GB Omission

Yo. What’s going on? Today (Thursday) is my day off (the price for which I have to pay is working on Saturday) anyway back to today and I was so desperately looking forward to a lie in after two 7 o’clock starts in a row. However the delightful people who live in the flat above me had other plans. They started drilling at 7am. YES you read that right, DRILLING AT 7 A-FREAKING-M. By 9 o’clock I was close to venturing to B&Q, purchasing a drill myself and drilling through the ceiling and hopefully straight through their bare-feet. I was angry. Thankfully (for them, as well as me) I have friends who have quiet houses so I went round one of them to watch the remainder of Jeremy Kyle in peace. My morning improved; I had a delicious bowl of Almond flavoured Special K and I saw my tweet featured on This Morning. Things were looking up. That was until I heard the disappointing, shocking and down-right outrageous news that David Beckham hasn’t made the Great Britain Olympic football team.

At first I thought it was some sort of joke. I mean c’mon he’s David Beckham: a God of EVERYTHING, especially football, so he was obviously bound to make the team. He has 115 England caps, captained our national team and is seen as one of our country’s greatest ever players. How could it be true? Well sadly it is, and I for one ain’t happy. David Beckham is a talent on and off the pitch *winkwinknudgenudge* which makes you, Stuart Pearce, an absolute muppet in my (and the majority of the female populations) eyes.

On hearing the news my first thought was utter devastation. David Beckham playing in the GB football team was my one “REALISTIC” chance of meeting Victoria. She’d obviously be there to support her husband, being the doting wife that she is, whilst I was also hoping to be present which would mean that our paths would have inevitably crossed and we would have obviously struck up a never-ending friendship. She’d invite me to LA, I’d meet Simon Cowell, he’d ask me to present USA X Factor, which would then mean I’d meet Britney because she’s a judge, I’d get an apparentment in New York, shop along 5^th Avenue whenever I fancied, meet Chace Crawford, get married and basically just live happily-ever-freaking-after. However that isn’t going to happen now, IS IT STUART PEARCE? Thanks to you and your decision making my life is now completely ruined and I’m going to have to come up with a whole new plan. Thanks a bunch.  After coming to terms with the fact that the life I had so carefully planned out in my head was ruined I then felt angry but more importantly disappointed for David…

Pearce (the Manager of the GB Olympic football team) had originally shortlisted DB in his 35 man squad, to then cut him out at the final hurdle, not making the final 18-man team. Now, to my knowledge David isn’t injured and considering all that he has done to secure London getting the Olympic bid it seems like an absurd decision to come to. He played a key part in us winning the bid for the Games in Singapore in 2005, and basically hasn’t shut up about how excited he is over it all ever since. He also often speaks out about his desire to play for his country again. More recently he flew in from LA, last month to be exact, to light the Olympic torch. He was the only one at the event anyone was interested in. (This was also when he debuted his dodgy beard, which by the way, I’ve suprisingly come to like. What can I say? The man can do no wrong in my eyes!)

David himself said that he’s “very disappointed” but also added that “there will be no bigger supporter of the team than me. And like everyone, I will be hoping they can win the gold.”  Diplomatic and gracious until the very end, what a hero. Here’s hoping Micah Richards, Ryan Giggs and Craig Bellamy: the three over 23 year old players that Stuart has chosen to play in the team, perform well. The rest of the squad will be announced soon, if anyone is still interested... zzzz

Although people are saying Beckham will still be involved in the games I’ve taken it upon myself to try and compensate for Stuart Pearce’s mistake, by illustrating this blog with some delicious pictures, especially as now we won’t be treated to any hot-topless-Beckham action on the pitch this Summer... Booo.

Also having written this blog I’ve realised the irony after my last post involved moaning about how I hang around with people who talk about football too much. Meh you know what they say “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em…”

Thoughts of the day

Hello. Today whilst I was casually minding my own business at work (walking around in a day-dream counting down the hours until home-time) I was approached and asked what it was like in “my world”. This isn’t the first time I’ve been asked this, and several people have often commented on how they’d love to see inside my brain. Although Science is very advanced these days, I’m pretty certain we can’t swap brains for a day so I thought I’d write a blog about the kind of things I thought about yesterday. I’m going to write this in chronological order starting from waking up to going to bed. Enjoy…

5.30am? This is not an acceptable time to be waking up.

I can’t be bothered to move, maybe I should phone in sick.

Must. Not. Forget. Sunglasses. (Even if it’s raining)

Shall I have breakfast or have an extra five minutes in bed? Stupid question. Bed, obviously.

What colour lipgloss shall I wear and how shall I do my hair?

I bet Victoria Beckham doesn’t have to wake up this early.

I wish I was Victoria Beckham.

Actually no, I wish I was Victoria Beckham’s best friend.

OMG Victoria Beckham will be in London later. We're obviously going to bump into each other. I better take my Hermes as a conversation-starter.

ARGH BLASTED HAYFEVER. I have tears running down my cheeks. How horrific.

Oh pants I’m going to be late. Walk quicker.

I frickin' love my job.

I feel really happy about my life.

How much longer have I got left of this shift?

Why am I not Rihanna?

I want a puppy.

I wish I was back in bed.

What’s for dinner?

I miss living at home and having dinner cooked for me.

Oh it’s alright; I’m going out for dinner tonight.

And I’m not paying. BONUS!

I’ve got to work for 8 hours. I’ve been here 40 minutes so I’m 1/12^th of a way through my day. Brilliant.

Cocktails would make the time pass quicker.

Where’s the nearest bar?

Do I have any split ends? Let’s pick em.

Damn I wish Julie Andrews was my Nan.

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my number, so call me maybe.

SAY MY NAME BABY. WOAH-UH-UH-UH-UH-OH-OH

I should probably stop dancing around. Management are looking at me weird. Meh!

I wonder what Rihanna is doing.

I need a holiday.

I miss Jazpups.

I wish I was dating Ryan Gosling.

Or Dermot O’Leary.

Or Ryan Reynolds.

Or Cristiano Ronaldo.

Or Chace Crawford.

Or Rihanna.

Or all of the above.

Is it lunch time yet?

The things I’d do for a Strawb Daq right now.

I wonder how many strangers I can creep out by smiling at them. Londoners don’t like smiling.

What colour shall I paint my nails?

The world would be a better place if I didn’t have to pay tax.

David Cameron is such a baffoon.

I’m really annoyed Ken Livingstone didn’t win London Mayor.

That blasted Bo-Jo.

I think it’s about time I reapplied my lipgloss.

Wow. I love her shoes. I wonder where they’re from. Adds to mental want list.

Must cram in as much food as is humanly possible within my half an hour break.

Pretend to read the “heavy news” stories in the Sun before over-analysing the Bizarre section.

I wish I had Gordon Smart's job.

I hope Britney, Rihanna, Victoria or Cheryl are featured in today’s column.

BOOM 2 out of 4. Not bad!

I NEED tickets to the Spice Girl Musical. GIRL POWER.

I love the colour orange. I wish I was more tanned.

If I were a fruit I’d be an orange for the colour, a strawberry for its taste and a pineapple for its appearance.

I could really do with a nap. I can’t stop yawning.

My life would be a lot more exciting if I knew Christian Grey.

He’d keep me awake.

Would I rather have the beak of a duck or the tail of a pig?

Omg one hour left one hour left, only one hour left.

Oioi cute guy 2 o’clock.

I wonder who A is?

WOOO HOME TIME. YEAH BOY.

Must refrain from spending all my money in Topshop. You have bills to pay now Emma.

Damn the real world sucks.

I wish I was 4 again.

I can’t believe I’ve got to go out tonight.

I want to jump straight into bed, get under the duvet and watch my Royal Wedding DVDs.

On second thoughts Carly is coming which will result in cocktails being involved. KEEN.

What am I going to wear?

I hope we don’t have to talk about football too much. Snorin’ell.

I bet David doesn’t talk to Victoria about football all the time.

If football comes up as a topic I’ll down my drink. Great plan, I’ll text Carly and tell her.

Oooh I wonder what I’ll eat. Chicken obviously.

Change of lipgloss colour.

Ugh they’re talking about football. Time to neck this glass of champs.

YES Carly. Tequila is a GREAT shout.

WWRRRAAAAYYYYYY TEEEQQQQUUUUIIIILLLLLAAAAAAA.

Gimme more cocktails. NOW.

Wooo I feel amazing.

I can’t believe Carly has met Victoria Beckham. That kinda means that I’ve met her too because I’ve met Carly.

OMG I’VE MET VICTORIA BECKHAM.

I haven’t actually.

But my friend has. 

These cocktails are absolutely delicious and I’m not even drunk, at all.

Hiccup.

Who the hell is he to decide that I need to drink water? EFF OFF.

I don’t feel so good.

Crap. I have work tomorrow.

Oh well, YOLO. Gimme another Daq.

What do you mean we’re going home? It’s only 1am, the night is still young. Where’s Kayleigh she’d stay out till 5am with me.

Oh wow I feel dizzy.

Urgh taking make-up off is such a chore.

Ahhh my bed is so comfy. It’s like heaven.

I hope when I wake up I’m Rihanna.

Fingers crossed.

Night world.

...Yep, that was pretty much everything that went through my brain yesterday. It was a good day, sadly I didn’t wake up as Rihanna though which was a great shame.

Bye xo

The Diamond Jubilee

Hello. Today is Thursday although it doesn’t feel like one, mainly because I’ve only had two days at work this week. This is because of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee. She kindly granted us two extra days off to so we could help her celebrate the 60 year’s she’s been reigning (she came to the throne on 6th February 1952 yet her Coronation took place on 2nd June 1953). The only other British monarch to celebrate a Diamond Jubilee was Queen Victoria in 1897, what a babe.  

This blog is several days late, for which I apologise, however I was too busy having fun, loving the Queen and being near to combusting with excitement over her fantastic celebrations to bring you anything until now! It’s absolutely no secret that I am slightly Royal family obsessed. It all started when Diana died (morbid I know) but I visited London to see all of the flowers and messages left for her and I was intrigued. Last year saw my interest reach new heights with the Royal wedding of William and Kate (yes I do own both of the official DVDs and watch them occasionally: bite me) and ever since that spectacular Royal extravaganza I’ve been longing for more. Thankfully my wish was granted over the last weekend.

I could literally write a dissertation length review of the weekend however I want people to actually read this so we’ll cut it down into sections and bullet points.

Saturday 2^nd June:

The Queen kick started her four day Diamond Jubilee celebrations on Saturday by attending the Epsom Derby alongside Phillip Duke of Edinburgh. Wearing a bright, eye-catching blue coat and hat over a floral gown, she waved to supporters as she was greeted by loud cheers before watching the event.

Sunday 3^rd June:

Sunday’s celebrations revolved around the Flotilla, which was held along the river Thames and involved over 600 boats and the Royal Barge. Over a million spectators braved the rain and grey clouds to witness this once-in-a-lifetime special occasion along the banks of the River Thames. In fact the last Flotilla to take place was over 300 years ago.

Joined by the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince of Wales, Duchess of Cornwall, Duke and Duchess of Cambridge and Prince Harry Her Majesty looked divine dressed in a beautiful white and silver outfit (designed and made by Angela Kelly, it took a year of planning) matching coat, shift dress, hat and a shawl draped over her shoulders as it was quite clearly cold out. She also clutched on to a patent black handbag: a woman after my own heart!

Kate wore a red Alexander McQueen dress which has previously also been worn by Kim Kardashian and Tulisa. However Kate, unlike the other two just mentioned, looked elegant and regal. Both William and Harry were dressed in Uniform, I’m not sure which ones I don’t remember but they looked dapper nonetheless!

Although there were two beautiful red thrones for her (and Philip) to sit down on not once did she, instead opting to watch the whole show upon her feet. The television cameras picked up on several occasions where her flawless (for an 86 year old) face lit up having noticed certain things. For example the War Horse on the top of the Theatre drew a big smile! However, one of my personal favourite moments of the day was when Tower Bridge lifted up, just like in the Spice Movie!

Monday 4^th June:

The third day of celebrations saw the Diamond Jubilee concert (which I applied for tickets for and sadly didn’t receive any... not that I’m bitter or anything. *grits teeth*)  However unlike me, tens of thousands of people, who also weren’t lucky enough to get tickets lined The Mall to watch the show and fireworks light up the Queen's iconic residence in central London. Another person who wasn’t able to attend was Prince Philip who had sadly been hospitalised with a bladder infection.

Some of the acts lucky enough to take to the special stage included Elton John, Kylie Minogue, Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder, Robbie Williams and Annie Lennox. Pop legends from the last 60 years. Gary Barlow will undoubtedly be knighted sometime soon after organising the musical extravaganza. Also my recent favourite person Will I Am also tweeted some absolutely hilarious pictures on his Twitter of his day. Classic!

After a near enough two hour concert and a heartfelt and very sincere speech from Prince Charles (in which he paid tribute to and humorously called the Queen “mummy”) it was time for the most spectacular 4 minutes of fireworks I think I will ever see. They were absolutely incredible and the perfect end to an amazing evening.

Tuesday 5^th June:

On Tuesday the Diamond Jubilee weekend culminated with a day of celebrations in central London, including a service at St Paul’s Cathedral followed by two receptions, a lunch at Westminster Hall, a Carriage Procession to Buckingham Palace and finally a Balcony appearance, Flypast, and Feu de Joie.

Dressed in a mint green ensemble Her Majesty looked as radiant as ever, even though she’d had an awfully long last few days. After the service at St Paul’s Cathedral it was time for the moment I had been waiting for: the carriage procession and it didn’t disappoint. The Princes’ all donned top hats which made me chuckle as they made their way from the Palace of Westminster to Buckingham Palace. There was also a “mounted band” on trotting horses which was quite simply amazing.

After a little wait it was time for another favourite moment of mine: the balcony appearance. The red drape was set, and it reminded me completely of last year’s wedding. Out stepped the Queen followed by Prince Charles, Camilla, William, Kate and Harry (a much smaller group in comparison to the wedding) to an overwhelming amount of cheers, waving hands and Union Jack flags. Kate and Harry chatted and laughed amongst themselves whilst William passed comment about how it was “a bit wet” to his Grandmother. She waved several times whilst looking out to the sea of people filling the Mall whilst waiting for the plane display. 18 aircrafts, including 4 spitfires and the Red Arrows (who streamed red, white and blue) flew low over Buckingham Palace in tribute to the Queen, whilst she watched from below, absolutely beaming. After that there was a special salute from her Guards called the Feu de Joie, which involved shooting some sort of guns followed by the National Anthem and some hip-hip-hooray’s. And after all of that, the Royal 6 retired back into the warmth of Buckingham Palace and the Diamond Jubilee celebrations were over, much to my utter dismay.

Now, after witnessing the Diamond Jubilee celebrations I have several questions that I’m longing to be answered:

1) What does the Queen keep in her handbag? Does she store an array of different lipglosses like myself?

2) Why on earth was she left to hold her own umbrella on Sunday when it started raining and she was leaving the Royal Barge?

3) How does one go about getting a carriage similar (and just as extravagant) to the one she used on Tuesday? I desperately want one.

4) Does Her Majesty know who Cheryl is? And will she be purchasing Call My Name when it is released on the 9^th of June?

5) Lastly why the heck wasn’t I invited as Harry’s guest? After all everyone knows that “three’s a crowd” Harry…! Hashtag just sayin’

Now, unlike me there will be some of you out there reading this who didn't enjoy the celebrations and don’t like our Monarch, insisting that she doesn’t do enough to receive all that she does (including the last long weekend) and to all of you, I say this: I don’t care if she doesn’t do much, I’d much rather pay my taxes to the Queen than to some good-for-nothing lazy benefit scrounger who has never worked a day in their life (even though they are more than capable) and instead opting to for the easy route and letting others pay for them. The Queen makes me proud to be British, unlike those people I have just described and watching her enjoy the celebrations, along with millions of other proud Britain's made me even prouder.

God Save the Queen (and roll on the Platinum Jubilee! Yeaaahhhh!) 

A life without Internet.

I like online shopping. I like gossip websites. I like twitter. I like blogging. I like watching TV shows online before they are aired in the UK. I like YouTube. Basically I like the internet, a lot. So imagine my absolute despair when a few weeks ago I rushed home from work excited to watch the new Gossip Girl episode online only to be greeted with the news that my Internet was broken.

I spent over two hours rebooting, unplugging, reconnecting, configuring and sobbing to myself before it sunk in that I was Internet-less. I felt like I’d lost my left arm. I sat there in silence, by myself, staring at my laptop hoping that if I stared at it for long enough it would miraculously connect. It didn’t, so I rang Sky. I was greeted by a friendly voice. This wound me up even more. I restrained myself from growling at the poor unsuspecting girl on the other end of the phone. After doing all the boring confirming who you are gobbledegook I told her my issue. The conversation went a little bit like this:

“Basically I can’t watch Gossip Girl because my Internet has broken and now I want to cry.” “It’s on itv2 tonight?” “I’ve already seen that one. I NEED to see the latest one from America.” “Wow. What website do you use?... Oops I mean sorry Miss Jamieson. Let’s try and fix this for you.”

After this exchange the anger in my voice subsided and I warmed to my new “friend” Helen. She asked if I’d rebooted and unplugged the box. Of course I bloomin’ had. She then told me to go and get a screw-driver… Errrrm yeah ok then, let me just grab my tool box? WTF, as if I’d have a screw driver that’s something my dad has, not me! Alas seeing as I no longer live at home I subsequently don’t own a screw driver so I had to improvise and used a nail file. BOOM. I opened up the little box and tried the wire in another hole. Still nothing. After all my efforts there was no reward. Helen then told me that she’d send an engineer out, any week day either between 8am-1pm or 1pm-6pm. And this is where we hit another brick wall. I live with one other person, her name is Kayleigh and she’s lovely. However Kayleigh and I both work full time. No one else is in the flat apart from a hamster named Winston (who wouldn’t be able to open the door to host the engineer.) Also I was heading back home for a week for my birthday and then the week after Kayleigh was on holiday. I asked whether engineers could come at the weekends. “No” was the blunt response. Helen and I were about to fall out… and we were getting on so well! So anyway, I had to book an engineer in for 2 weeks time. How convenient. Not. I hung up and found myself absolute seething inside. I was furious. How was I meant to live without the Internet? I had a good 5 days left in the flat before heading home. To make my story even more tragic there were no “open” connections that I could connect to. None. Nada. Zilch. It was like a kick in the teeth. Long gone are the days when you slyly connected to your next door neighbours without them knowing, that ain’t happening anymore.

Now of course I’m obviously over exaggerating a little bit because I wasn’t totally Internet less as I had the use of my phone, so my twitter and facebook use was carried out as normal. It was more the fact that I couldn’t watch Gossip Girl and people were tweeting about how good it was that was winding me up. Thankfully I have friends with the Internet so I basically invited myself round to watch it. Having watched it I felt a lot better and more positive about life. But it really got me to thinking about what we did 10 or so years ago when we didn’t have the Internet?

The Internet is an everyday part of life for most people now. As of 2011, more than 2.2 billion people (which is nearly a third of Earth’s population) use services provided by the Internet. Even my Grandma uses it to email her grandchildren, google-ing art exhibitions and she once YouTubed ‘dancing dogs’ (with my help obviously!) When you think about how much you use the Internet it’s kind of scary. How often do you check twitter? Update your facebook status? Browse shops online? Read online articles from newspapers? Email someone? Watch catch-up TV on your iPad? Do online banking? I remember the days when broadband wasn’t invented and we used dial-up. Hearing that funny buzzing noise followed by a few beeps and a dialling tone which meant it was connecting to the internet and that people could no longer call your home phone. Hilarious! But before that I also remember a time when I didn’t use the internet at all. My young childhood was internet-free (to my knowledge), where as kids these days have iPads and facebook accounts. Crazy!

The rise in Internet use mainly occurred around the mid-1990s, when the Internet had a drastic impact on culture and communication, especially with the use and increase of emailing. It’s very easy to see that that the Internet has made communication so much quicker and easier, which is brilliant. It’s also made everything so much more accessible for everyone. Being a Uni graduate I honestly don’t think I would have been able to achieve my degree without the Internet, which I’m sure is a point fellow students and ex students will back me up on. The Internet, for a student, is an absolute god-send!

But even now I’m not a student I find the services that the Internet offers invaluable. I for one use it every day, without fail and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The Internet is one of my best friends: it’s a source of knowledge, a place for breaking news, also a place for making friends and exchanging gossip. In my eyes a life without Internet isn’t even worth contemplating (which I’m sure you’ll agree with because without the Internet you wouldn’t have been able to just read this fabulous blog. See - point proven!)

Long live the Internet and God forbid any more connection problems. *touches wood*

Britney Spears: The X Factor Judge!

Last night felt like Christmas. The announcement I had been waiting for was finally confirmed. Britney Spears is going to be a judge on USA X Factor. Now, although rumours have been floating around for a couple of months and in the last few weeks it seemed more and more likely, to finally hear and see it be confirmed was incredible. (In fact the last time I was this excited over an X Factor Judge was when Cheryl left us to join the USA version. Fingers crossed Brit doesn’t go the same way she did…)

Yesterday was a long day. I was up early (5am) and was flagging by 5pm after watching the final Desperate Housewives episode (read my previous blog for more on that) so I made the executive decision to take a nap. Although I slept very easily (I was shattered) I was eager to wake up to hear more news about Britney. It had been confirmed that she was in New York, which is where the Fox Upfronts would be taking place. It seemed more and more likely that she was going to be a judge and I for one was absolutely loving it but was refusing to get too excited before I had confirmation from either Britney or Simon.

Around 9pm was when it started to kick off, pictures started emerging of Britney arriving at the venue and then BOOM she tweeted the confirmation all of us Britney fans had so desperately been waiting for:

“#britneyxfactor #SimonBritneyDemiLA http://bit.ly/KHfQIc”

Twitter went crazy. I was in fan girl heaven. Britney is an X Factor judge, how bloomin’ brilliant is that. A weekly dose of Britney – I couldn’t ask for much more!

A few minutes later and Simon Cowell also tweeted:

“Can't believe it's finally happened. Very exciting! @thexfactorusa #xfactor #SimonBritneyDemiLa http://say.ly/Mru3jfc”

This was it. I was tweeting in over-drive and many made jokes about how I would end up in twitter jail again before long. However strangely enough that never happened! After the confirmation came an influx of pictures and boy did Britney look good. Her hair looked sleek, her tan was glowing and her body looked toned. It would be VERY hard for anyone to try and argue that she’s not back to her best.

Having looked at the worldwide trends I was highly amused to find that #BritneyXFactor was trending whereas #SimonBritneyDemiLa wasn’t. That spoke volumes. Britney is and will be the main selling point of USA X Factor this year. I just pray she lives up to all the hype. I think the first few auditions we may witness a lot of “That was awesome” “I loved it” but I’m more than certain that she’ll soon find her feet and be the judge everyone loves.

Speaking about her new role Britney said: "I couldn't be more excited to join The X Factor judging panel. I'm a huge fan of the show and now I get to be a part of the action. Simon and LA better watch out!"

As well as Britney joining, the other new judge was announced to be Demi Lovato. They will both replace Nicole Scherzinger and Paula Abdul who confirmed at the end of the last year that they will not be taking part in the new Stateside series of The X Factor. However Simon Cowell and LA Reid will continue in their roles as judges on the popular show.

Simon Cowell also spoke about why he'd chosen the singing pair, adding: "I'm absolutely delighted Britney and Demi are joining us. Britney remains one of the biggest stars in the world, she's talented, fascinating - and I believe she knows exactly how to spot The X Factor."

At the beginning of his introduction of the new judges at the Upfronts Simon summed it up perfectly by saying “Well, we delivered! Rumours are one thing, delivering is something else.” And YES Simon you most certainly did deliver, and for which I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Roll on September and long may she reign.

Oh and as for Demi Lovato: I liked her dress. 

Now, errrm how do I go about auditioning….?!

Farewell Desperate Housewives

It is no secret that I absolutely adore American TV shows. It would also be fair to say that I watch too many (see: Gossip Girl, 90210, New Girl, Glee, 2 Broke Girls and Pretty Little Liars.) However the one I’ve been watching for the longest is ABC’s Desperate Housewives, which also has and always will be my ultimate favourite.  So imagine my absolute distress when in August last year I heard that Season 8 would be its last. I was beyond devastated. I contemplated finding a replacement but then realised that no other show would compare and I’d be wasting my time trying to do so, alas I would have to start to prepare myself for a life without Wisteria Lane. I had several months to do so, but failed miserably.

The final installment from Fairview was in America on the evening of 13^th May. I watched it after I finished work at 2pm on the 14^th. I wasn’t prepared and subsequently was an emotional wreck. Fairview has become somewhat of a second home for me. I feel as if I know the Lane like the back of my hand, I know the neighbours, the local stores and the surrounding woodland (!) so to have to say goodbye was a painful yet enjoyable experience at the same time. As ever I laughed, gasped and sobbed my way through the final double episode, like I do any normal episode! However it was hands down easily the most emotional 83 minutes of television I’ve ever watched. The whole episode was unsurprisingly full of twists and turns (although some were sadly kind of predictable), there were plenty of hysterical one-liners from Gaby, tender heart-warming moments shared between Karen and Roy, a massive bitch-fit thrown by Renee, dramatic scenes in the court room courtesy of Bree and Ben and throughout it all the importance of loyal friendships was displayed. It also thankfully tied up a few loose ends that I desperately needed answers to before they left me for good. Ironically considering the name the show concluded it’s rocky, racy and grisly eight-season run with a neat and tidy, affectionate and anything but “desperate” send-off.

I won’t ruin it for those who haven’t yet seen it yet but I am going to briefly mention the very very end in which they look to the future and say that the four ladies don’t keep in contact. WTF? Are you serious? That’s single handidly the most ridiclous storyline I’ve ever seen (totally beats fake tanning the baby on Footballers Wives.) Those four ladies went through everything together; they even said so in the final episode. From marriages to divorces, births to deaths, careers to unemployment, alcoholism to cancer: they helped and shared everything with each other so to end it with them growing apart angered me to say the least! Another point that annoyed me was the fact that they showed glimpses into the future of Bree, Gaby and Lynette’s lives in which they no longer seemed “desperate” having all found personal and professional success, however we didn’t get to see what happened to Susan. The last we saw of Mrs Delfino was her having just finished packing up her home and waving goodbye to the famous Street, as the ghosts of Wisteria Lane’s past looked on. As she handed over the keys to the new house owner Susan tells her a secret that we the viewers have known since the very first episode “This Street is a lot of things, boring is not one of them.”  Indeed Susan: boring it never has been, hence why I never missed an episode.

All that’s left to say is thanks for the laughs, the tears, the mysteries, the drama, the poker nights and all of the lessons you’ve taught me over the last 8 years. Marc Cherry I salute you and Teri Hatcher, Marcia Cross, Eva Longoria and Felicity Hoffman I adore you. (Oh, how I wish you were actually friends in real life!)

In keeping with the show I’m going to leave the last words to Mary-Alice…. 

"Even the most desperate life is oh… so wonderful."

Cheryl - Call My Name

It’s a well known fact that I love Cheryl Cole. I love her music, her style, her hair, her personality: everything. In fact I love her so much that a friend once slagged her off (on facebook) about an outfit she wore on The X Factor (the gold cage dress) and I was so outraged I deleted the biatch and haven’t spoken to her since. True story. Anyway, I digress, basically Cheryl is my British version of Britney, and we all know how much I heart Brit…! So imagine my absolute delight when it was announced that Cheryl had a new song coming out: Call My Name. I’m sure it’ll come as no surprise to hear that I obviously loved the Calvin Harris-produced track after my first listen and immediately made it my ringtone, text message tone and alarm - you can never have too much Cheryl. Before the song (which will be the first released from her third studio album A Million Lights, due out June 18^th) was released there were loads of pictures of her upcoming video for it doing the rounds across magazines, newspapers, twitter and other websites. She (quite obviously) looked amazing, as ever. I was in fan girl heaven.

After the initial excitement of hearing Call My Name had dwindled (only ever so slightly though!) I was craving the video like David Walliams craves Simon. And would you believe it, Cheryl only went and released it the day before my birthday didn’t she! Yet another reason to love her and I was transported back to my fan girl heaven.

I knew just 5 seconds in to the video that we were onto a gooden as there was a close up of her shoes. They were orange - WINNER. Cheryl then proceeded to walk through a tunnel (your guess is as good as mine) swoosh her hair around a bit, have “The only way to a woman’s heart is along the path of torment. Marquis De Sade” come up as subtitles (again I’m not entirely sure) and then continued to walk through some puddle and take off her jacket to toss aside, whilst heading towards a group of guys who were all strategically leaning against cars ready to dance. How convenient. Oh by the way, all of that happens whilst there were a few close up bum shots thrown in for good measure/to also show off her new tattoo (more on that later.) Nearly a minute in and the beat starts, the song kicks in and the dance routines begin. The dance routines pretty much last the entire video. There are, of course as I’ve already mentioned, the odd slow mo bum shot/wriggle against a wall/sultry pose/hair swoosh thrown in to break them up.

A few things that I noticed whilst watching/analysing the 4 minutes and 29 second long video are as follows:

1.       Cheryl has absolutely lovely shoulders.

2.       She’s clearly been working flat out as she has some serious guns.

3.       What’s with the beauty spot? Is she doing a Kelly Rowland on us?

4.       The first time I watched it I actually thought Eva Longoria made a cameo as there are certain shots in which Cheryl totally resembles her!

5.       If you took away the music there were also several moments captured that could be used for her L’Oreal campaign.

Now although I firmly believe that Cheryl can do no wrong her new tattoo gets a massive thumbs down from me (absolutely vile) as do the weird MC Hammer pants that she prances around in. There is also no storyline to follow throughout the video, which I didn’t really enjoy. However having just watched “Shooting Cheryl” (not literally, just the video) she said that she had a lot of input and knew that she wanted a lot of dancing (as it’s a dance track) with an 80’s vibe. She wanted it to be like Fresh Prince of Bell Air, which would explain the clothing at least! Now although I’ll happily admit that it is by no means the best video I’ve ever seen, it is one of Cheryl’s, and to be honest she could sit in a dark room and not move for the entire 4 and a half minutes and I’d still think it was incredible, so err, bite me. Biased? Me? Coh, never!

I’d like to end this blog by saying how bloomin’ lovely it is to have Cheryl back in my life, long may she reign. Oh and also if anyone knows where she got her colourful blazer from please do tell me as I need that in my life, stat.

Oh and FYI Call My Name has now been listened to on my iTunes 108 times (I had it on repeat for about a week, standard) and I’ve probably watched the video well over 30 times. Talking of which, I think it’s about time I watched it again. Over and out xo

(Actually before I go, I realise that this blog is very slow off the mark for me; however I’ve been without internet, which will be the topic of my next blog. Prepare yourselves! Now I’m seriously going, bye!)

Scaredy Cat

I’m easily scared. Earlier today my friend Jamie scared me so much that I cried. Actual tears rolled down my chubby cheeks because he jumped out at me. I am pathetic. He however felt so bad that he took me out for a hot chocolate. Win! Over said drink we got talking about all the things that scare me and he was highly amused so I thought I’d share them with you all as well (even though I personally don’t find them funny)…

1. Spiders. My Dad always used to get angry at me when I’d scream/cry at the mere sight of one of the eight-legged-buggers but I am genuinely terrified of them. I’d get the usual “you’re a lot bigger than it is” “it’s probably more scared of you screaming than you are of it” but it wouldn’t make me feel any better, in fact it would just wind me up. The creepy things have EIGHT LEGS, there is absolutely NOTHING normal or OK with that. Thinking about the way they move makes me want to be sick. Disgusting. I’m also a very strong believer in that if you see one that you kill it, none of this setting it free stuff. Nope. Squish it or hoover it immediately before it has a chance to run away, meet a friend and multiply. Thankfully I haven’t come across many spiders in my new flat *touch wood* but when I did come across one I was thankfully with Jamie and he “dealt” with it whilst I ran away screaming and flapping my arms in the air. What a hero.

2. Being pushed onto an underground track. Since moving to London I’ve always been wary of the sacred yellow line and have made sure not to cross it when a train approaches. However a couple of months ago there was an incident which made the news where a man shoved a random lady onto the tracks and to my knowledge he didn’t even know her. Wtf? Thankfully the lady was helped up on to the platform before a train came.

3. Swings. I’m not sure whether I had a traumatic experience on a swing as a child that I can’t remember but I honestly can’t stand the things. I can only cope with swinging on them when my feet can still touch the floor, when they can’t is when I start to freak out. I mean seriously my stomach flips, I start sweating and my hands go clammy so that I’m unable to hold on to the chains. I then start to panic about how I’m going to fall off and die. Terrible.

4. Hospitals. I do not like hospitals one bit. I don’t like the smell. I don’t like the atmosphere. I don’t like all of the beeping and the numerous machines. I don’t like the beds. And I don’t like the memories. I’m anxious about the day I inevitably have to go to hospital. (Just a heads up to any Doctors or Nurses that come across me, I’d probably have me sedated, I’d be easier to cope with.)

5. Heights. Living on the 8^th floor is quite an adventure for someone who’s scared of heights (this relates to my issue with swings.) Basically I don’t like looking down on things. Although I’ve been up the Empire State Building I felt quite panicky at the top and was only able to look out, not down! Even though I’m petrified of heights whenever I go on an aeroplane I always want a window seat even though I’d never dream of looking out of it for longer than a few seconds. *shivers*

6. “The end” of Jazpups. This scares me the most out of everything because she is without a doubt the best thing in my life and subsequently life without her really isn’t worth thinking about.

Other things that also scare me are that I over analyse everything and make things seem worse than they actually are in my head. Not having enough money. Waking up and having someone I don’t know standing over my bed. Not achieving what I want to. Children. Feeling like I’ve wasted time. Being trapped on a tube. Dying alone. Things that fly, in particular butterflies and birds that have no sense of space and flap their wings in my face. Losing my favourite lipgloss. What people think of me. Fate. Frogs. People not coming to my funeral…

…Basically I’m pretty much scared of everything. Cool.