Child friendly, but staying child free.

I've always strongly protested that I do not like children but recently, rather shamefully, I've come to realise that this isn't strictly true. I do like children, well I do until they start screaming, crying or whining: as soon as that happens I go back to being the unmaternal, stone-hearted witch that dislikes kids! Give me a chirpy, chatty, engaging and amusing child and I’ll happily be their best friend, but the minute their bottom lip starts quivering, their feet start stamping and the tears start rolling down their chubby cheeks and I'm outta there!

Although I personally don’t see babies in my future anytime soon, a lot of my friends have babies/children so it’s not unusual for me to be in the company of little people under the ages of five. For example I attended Lois' birthday party over the weekend, she turned three and is a real cutie! I had an absolutely great time and happily chased John (her 18 month old cousin) around the soft play-area whilst he ran away shrieking dodging plenty of other screaming, energetic kids. I, surprisingly, didn’t freak out once which is quite the achievement! However as would be expected at a kids party when surrounded by families with children the old "do you want a baby?" question popped up to which I gave the usual blunt response: no. Awks!

The truth is even though I’m often seen as this cruel, heart-less monster who doesn't want kids I’ve actually always got on with children, even though ones I don’t know make me nervous. For some reason they seem to like me, I’m not sure why! For example Tilly and Frank (aged 5 and 3) basically morph into my shadows not leaving my sides whenever I visit their house for a catch-up with their mum. When it’s time for me to leave it doesn’t go down well: Tilly has cried and the last time I saw them Frank point-blank refused to speak to me after telling him I was leaving. I felt well bad. Another example is Lacey. Lacey is 8 months old, although in the picture she was only 2 months. Once again I’m not sure what I’ve done but she likes seeing me. She often watches me from the other side of the room while smiling and laughing or rolls around the floor without taking her eyes off me. Bless her little cottons!

Now, as controversial as this may sound I definitely prefer babies as they get older. Yes, granted newborns are cute because they’re so diddy and small but do you know how intimidating and nerve-wracking it is (especially because I’m not a mum myself) to hold a new-born, delicate, precious baby whilst its protective mother watches your every move without blinking? Answer: VERY. If the truth be known I am absolutely terrified of little babies purely because I’m scared of breaking them. Some are so small I’m terrified I’m going to snap them simply by moving. I can’t cope with the pressure hence why I don’t often go near them. I like to admire from afar because that way I can’t cause any damage. However give me a one year old who’s fallen over whilst attempting to walk and suffered a few scratches and survived and I feel a lot more confident.

Whilst most females coo over any baby or child they see, I often don’t. God forbid: I’m a 23 year old who doesn’t fantasise about having babies. So freaking what? Bite me! To me the beauty of babies is the fact that I can give them back. I get to enjoy their laughter, their smiles and the fun times and then as soon as it all starts going down hill and they get grouchy or need their nappy changed I get to hand them back. Perfect! In fact instead of cooing I’ll more than likely be judging the parents choice of outfit and pram. For example recently a lady came into where I work with the pram I want (I may not want children but I sure as hell want this pram, it would look prefect with a puppy sat in it…!) Whilst a colleague of mine was admiring the child and talking about how she wants one herself, I was admiring the pram and the tiny little Dior shoes the lucky child was wearing. I was jealous of a baby - brilliant!

Because children have never been high up on my to-do list I also don’t know much about them. I often have no idea how old a child is and I don’t have the foggiest about what they should be doing at what age. In my mind I thought it was completely normal for a one year old to be stringing together coherent sentences and singing the alphabet: apparently this isn’t the case!

So there we have it: I may not planning on popping out a sprog of my own any time soon, and I'd most definitely rather have a puppy or a handbag than a baby but that doesn’t make me a cold-hearted child-despising creature… 
Although having said all of that if I come across a screaming/crying/shrieking child that I don’t know tomorrow (or any other day for that matter) I will snarl at it. 
You've been warned children…


Love Aunty Em ;) x