Tube Etiquette

I've learnt a lot since moving to London nearly a year ago. London is an exciting, hectic city: one that has its own rules. Although the majority of these are unwritten all Londoners are aware of them which make newbies such as myself stick out like a sore, throbbing thumb. Don't be a thumb, no one wants to be a thumb..

With the Olympics fast approaching I thought I’d do the honourable thing by writing a blog about the rules of the underground for all the tourists and Olympic-keeno’s that will soon be clogging up our beloved tubes. Take note….

1.       The signs on the escalators that say “Stand to the right” are not there for decoration. I once made the nearly fatal mistake of standing on the left side of an escalator. I was blissfully unaware of the whole “stand on the right” situation and was simply too engaged in the conversation I was having with my friend to realise I needed to abide to such rule. That was until I was growled at. I innocently turned around and much to my surprise found that a Lion hadn’t escaped from London Zoo but the thing that had just growled in my right ear was in fact a fully grown man (I’m guessing around 50 years of age) smartly dressed in a suit and tapping away on his Blackberry. He then continued to shout “Can you not f***in read? Stand on the f***ing right you imbecile.” I was terrified and quickly scurried to the right hand side and stood there shaking like a leaf for the rest of my escalator ride. According to an article I read recently Londoners suffer from Chronophobia – a fear of time. Rushing is subsequently a part of a Londoner’s daily routine, so much so that people stress over losing a single minute of time, hence the whole stand on the right rule. Learn from my mistakes and don’t even contemplate standing on the left, no matter how quiet it may look there will ALWAYS be someone ready to pounce and trample over you. And that person, ironically, may be me. I'm starting to realise how much London life has changed me over the last 10 months. After making the left-hand-side mistake I’m now more likely to be the impatient person subtly coughing behind someone’s back rather than the clueless soul standing on the wrong side. Of course I’ll follow the cough up with an “excuse me” because no matter where you are: manners don’t cost a thing.

2.       Find your Oyster card before you get to the barrier. There’s nothing worse than clutching your Oyster and being stuck behind someone who faffs around looking for their card in their pockets/bag/briefcase. You know full well that you’re going to need to it to enter the station so prepare yourself before you get there please.

3.       If you have luggage don’t put it on the seat next to you, clog up the middle of the aisle by putting it by your feet or leave it unattended because that my friends will create a security alert and no one wants one of those when underground in a dark tunnel surrounded by rats. Trust me. I’ve been there. It wasn’t fun.

4.       Try to avoid eye contact with people and God forbid don’t strike up a conversation with the guy next to you who’s reading a book that you recently read and loved. The chances are he won’t want to discuss it with you, and if by some sort of miracle/strange reason he does, the rest of the carriage most definitely won’t share your passion. They’ll think you’re weird for starting a conversation with a stranger and they’ll also probably get annoyed with the fact that you’re talking. Shhh.

5.       Don’t take pictures by Underground signs. Yes you’re at Oxford Street, well done; now get over it because you’re certainly not the first to visit and you most definitely won’t be the last. However if you really must insist on doing so (and I agree that there are some stations that do need photos with: see Cockfosters) then please don’t stop mid-walk just as people are getting off the train because it will aggravate and cause hassle. Wait until it’s a bit quieter, that way it will also cause a lot less embarrassment… Prepare yourself for an onslaught of weird looks.

6.       Respect a queue and don’t push in. Londoner’s may rush and are extremely busy but you rarely see them skip a queue. Join the back and wait your turn like everyone else or prepare to face the wrath.

7.       Tube doors open automatically. The buttons on them don’t work. There’s subsequently no need to push them, constantly.

8.       Let people get off before you get on. This is a golden rule. It’s seen as impolite and if you don’t follow this you’ll undoubtedly receive looks of unimaginable hatred. As I’ve mentioned several times before: Londoner’s are normally in a rush so you won’t have to wait too long and you probably won’t miss the train either. And even if you do there will be another one along shortly so don’t fret.

9.       Give up your seat to pregnant women or the elderly. Think of it as your good deed of the day. You’ll be repaid for said action with good karma afterwards. (Or so I keep telling myself every time I do it. I’m still waiting for a puppy if you’re listening Karma…)

I think that just about covers the most important of rules. All that’s left to do is wish you well on your adventures on the underground. I hope all your journeys are pleasant, safe and most importantly that you don’t find your head nestled underneath a man’s armpit after he’s worked a full day without wearing any deodorant. See you on the Central line….. xo

Smile

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight - Phyllis Diller

A smile is a simple facial expression that involves flexing the muscles near both ends of the mouth to create an upwards curve to indicate happiness, joy, pleasure or amusement. Smiling is something that is understood by everyone despite their language, race or religion; it is internationally recognised and appreciated.

I enjoy smiling. I’d like to think that I smile quite a lot; I’m generally quite a smiley person, which is why it’s so painfully obvious when I’m in a bad mood. Ooops?! Anyway I smiled today. In fact I smiled today for numerous reasons. Some of these include the fact that I finished work at 4pm, had my hair cutely plaited by Rimi, purchased the new Heat, Star and Grazia magazines, listened to my favourite song of the moment: Ghetto Baby by Cheryl, managed to grab a clean and brand new copy of Stylist magazine (fellow Londoners will appreciate this), got home just in time before the heavens decided to open, saw pictures of Harper Beckham walking, was informed that there is going to be another Nativity film and also devoured a delicious chicken salad for lunch. It would be fair to say that although nothing spectacular has happened in my day, I’ve smiled regardless.

There are plenty of other reasons to smile, including:

1     Smiling makes you “attractive.” We are subconsciously drawn to people who smile. Frowns, scowls and grimaces all push people away, however a smile draws them in. (Note to self when I spot a hottie at work.)

2     Smiling is contagious. When you’re in the company of someone who is smiling it helps lift your mood as well. So pass on your smile on to those less-smiley than yourself!

3       Smiling can change your mood. Apparently you can trick yourself into thinking you’re happy by simply smiling. I tried this the other day and it actually worked (admittedly this was only because I ended up laughing about how ridiculous I was: sat there grinning like a Cheshire cat even though I was angry!) Nevertheless it worked!

Yesterday I smiled so much that my cheeks physically ached. I was given the task of greeting every customer that came into the store. Cue a lot of smiling, hello, hi, good afternoon, welcome, how are you? etc etc. I’m not going to lie when I was informed of my task for the day I wasn’t extremely optimistic, I mean Londoners aren’t exactly renowned for their smiling and welcoming demeanours however the shoppers of Westfield proved this stereotype wrong. Nearly everyone I greeted smiled and said hello back with some engaging in a full blown conversation with me (one lady had flown in from New York for a wedding, another man was writing an article for the Sun about a day-in-the-life-of-an-athlete and a couple of elderly ladies complimented my lipstick colour and wished they were young enough to wear it as well!) I was pleasantly surprised which subsequently made me smile even more.

Since moving to London it’s been blatantly obvious to see the differences in lifestyles between here and Bournemouth. Whereas it was a normal day-to-day occurrence for me to smile at a stranger that I’d passed on the street back home, when I do it up here I'm often greeted by a look of confusion. *Did that girl just smile at me? Weird.* Yep that’s right lady sat opposite me on the tube, I just smiled at you! Don’t look too deeply into it, don’t ask questions, just take it, smile back and then pass it on to someone else!

I’m guilty and freely admit that I am often way too quick to grumble about the bad things instead of forgetting them and focusing on the numerous reasons I have to smile.* I suggest that tomorrow you all smile at a stranger, it’ll take only a split second and a few facial muscle movements from you but it could well be the only sunshine they see all day, especially the way our British “summer” is going…. Give it a try! :)

 *FYI just in case you were wondering what the one thing that makes me smile more than anything in the entire world is…. I'll give you one guess and one guess only….. Jazpups. OBVS! She could make a proper Grumpy McGrumpson crack open a smile, even though she isn't exactly a fan of smiling herself! I like to think she's constantly pulling a "VB" when she has pictures, she is just as fabulous as her after all!

Child friendly, but staying child free.

I've always strongly protested that I do not like children but recently, rather shamefully, I've come to realise that this isn't strictly true. I do like children, well I do until they start screaming, crying or whining: as soon as that happens I go back to being the unmaternal, stone-hearted witch that dislikes kids! Give me a chirpy, chatty, engaging and amusing child and I’ll happily be their best friend, but the minute their bottom lip starts quivering, their feet start stamping and the tears start rolling down their chubby cheeks and I'm outta there!

Although I personally don’t see babies in my future anytime soon, a lot of my friends have babies/children so it’s not unusual for me to be in the company of little people under the ages of five. For example I attended Lois' birthday party over the weekend, she turned three and is a real cutie! I had an absolutely great time and happily chased John (her 18 month old cousin) around the soft play-area whilst he ran away shrieking dodging plenty of other screaming, energetic kids. I, surprisingly, didn’t freak out once which is quite the achievement! However as would be expected at a kids party when surrounded by families with children the old "do you want a baby?" question popped up to which I gave the usual blunt response: no. Awks!

The truth is even though I’m often seen as this cruel, heart-less monster who doesn't want kids I’ve actually always got on with children, even though ones I don’t know make me nervous. For some reason they seem to like me, I’m not sure why! For example Tilly and Frank (aged 5 and 3) basically morph into my shadows not leaving my sides whenever I visit their house for a catch-up with their mum. When it’s time for me to leave it doesn’t go down well: Tilly has cried and the last time I saw them Frank point-blank refused to speak to me after telling him I was leaving. I felt well bad. Another example is Lacey. Lacey is 8 months old, although in the picture she was only 2 months. Once again I’m not sure what I’ve done but she likes seeing me. She often watches me from the other side of the room while smiling and laughing or rolls around the floor without taking her eyes off me. Bless her little cottons!

Now, as controversial as this may sound I definitely prefer babies as they get older. Yes, granted newborns are cute because they’re so diddy and small but do you know how intimidating and nerve-wracking it is (especially because I’m not a mum myself) to hold a new-born, delicate, precious baby whilst its protective mother watches your every move without blinking? Answer: VERY. If the truth be known I am absolutely terrified of little babies purely because I’m scared of breaking them. Some are so small I’m terrified I’m going to snap them simply by moving. I can’t cope with the pressure hence why I don’t often go near them. I like to admire from afar because that way I can’t cause any damage. However give me a one year old who’s fallen over whilst attempting to walk and suffered a few scratches and survived and I feel a lot more confident.

Whilst most females coo over any baby or child they see, I often don’t. God forbid: I’m a 23 year old who doesn’t fantasise about having babies. So freaking what? Bite me! To me the beauty of babies is the fact that I can give them back. I get to enjoy their laughter, their smiles and the fun times and then as soon as it all starts going down hill and they get grouchy or need their nappy changed I get to hand them back. Perfect! In fact instead of cooing I’ll more than likely be judging the parents choice of outfit and pram. For example recently a lady came into where I work with the pram I want (I may not want children but I sure as hell want this pram, it would look prefect with a puppy sat in it…!) Whilst a colleague of mine was admiring the child and talking about how she wants one herself, I was admiring the pram and the tiny little Dior shoes the lucky child was wearing. I was jealous of a baby - brilliant!

Because children have never been high up on my to-do list I also don’t know much about them. I often have no idea how old a child is and I don’t have the foggiest about what they should be doing at what age. In my mind I thought it was completely normal for a one year old to be stringing together coherent sentences and singing the alphabet: apparently this isn’t the case!

So there we have it: I may not planning on popping out a sprog of my own any time soon, and I'd most definitely rather have a puppy or a handbag than a baby but that doesn’t make me a cold-hearted child-despising creature… 
Although having said all of that if I come across a screaming/crying/shrieking child that I don’t know tomorrow (or any other day for that matter) I will snarl at it. 
You've been warned children…


Love Aunty Em ;) x