Hello there strangers! How are you all? I haven't blogged in a while as I've been rather busy. A lot has changed, I live in London now. I've gone all cockney. Apple n pears. Me old china etc etc. I also have a full time job *shudders* but we'll have more of all of that in another blog. Right now I have a more pressing issue to blog about. I have just got out of a very traumatic situation. One that would have been solved a lot quicker and easier if I were still living at home...
The time right now it is 23.50 and I would have ideally liked to have been asleep near enough an hour ago. I watched Celebrity Big Brother (mainly to perv on Bobby/Lucien) and was going to call it a night... UNTIL a massive-monster-human-killing-eagle-sized-beast-moth appeared out of nowhere. Seriously it just popped up and started fluttering around. I'm not even exaggerating when I say it was the size of a bird. An actual bird.* It was terrifying.
My first thought was to run to the next room and shout "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDD." I then realised he was at home in Bournemouth and although I can shout loudly I doubt he'd hear me from London. My next thought was to scream. However my housemates are all asleep and I'm pretty certain they wouldn't have been overly impressed with being woken up by my high-pitched wailing. My third thought was to cry. However having thought about it more logically I realised the tears would blur my vision, which would mean I wouldn't be able to clearly see where the repulsive beast was. My fourth thought was to sleep on the sofa. My fifth thought was "why should I leave my room for an insect? It's MY room, so if anyone needs to get out, it is him." So it was decided, I, Emma scaredy-cat Jamieson would take on the massive-monster-human-killing-eagle-sized-beast-moth myself.
I gathered five tissues and prepared myself for what was to be an epic battle. He started to fly at me, aiming straight for my face, I quickly dodged and shuddered. I spun around to find him fluttering up against the wall. I stretched my arm out, then got scared and took a couple of steps backwards... This was going to take a while! He then decided to rest on the ceiling, where I couldn't reach him. Ahhh, clever moth. I see your plan. I stood on my bed, but alas, he was too far over for me to reach. He then started showing off, doing somersaults in the air and whatnot. However the dizziness must have got to him because after that he flew into the wall, bounced off and then flew back into it quite a few times. What an idiot. I, however, then made the schoolboy error of taking my eye off him for a mere couple of seconds. And voila, what do you know, I'd lost him. I scanned the room but couldn't see him anywhere. Where was he hiding? It better not be in my bed the little toe-rag. I was now more scared than before, I much prefered knowing where he was. It was a good minute before he showed his ugly face again. And that's when he did the unthinkable. He went and sat on my Mulberry. WHO DID HE THINK HE WAS? Seriously? That was the last straw. I wasn't taking this nonsense anymore. His days/minutes were numbered. I was after him, big time now. I swooshed to get him off my precious bag and he flew upwards, up to my lamp, in which he flew into, and made that horrible noise when his wings fluttered against the side of it. Gross. After that he flew out of the lamp and went to rest upon my blind. That was a mistake, a mistake that cost him his life. Subsequently that is where my epic tale ends, on my blind (luckily no mess was made as moth's tend to just disintergrate - apparently massive-monster-human-killing-eagle-sized-beast-moths do the same... niiiiiice!)
I'm genuinely sorry that it had to end that way. To begin with I was thinking of letting him out into the hall but then he'd probably flutter in my face first thing tomorrow morning and I cannot be dealing with that, so he had to go. This whole situation has subsequently made my miss my Dad. He would of probably got annoyed at me to being so pathetic, but then he would have rescued me and killed the massive-monster-human-killing-eagle-sized-beast-moth a lot quicker than I did, whilst I stood outside the room like a Damsel in distress. However sadly, as we've already established, I no longer live at home so I now have to fight these creepy crawlies alone. This tale has actually shown how brave I am. Fighting that killer moth all on my own armed with just a couple of tissues. And I didn't even scream (out loud) once. I'm practically a hero. My Dad would be proud.
All that's left to say is thank God it wasn't a spider... Goodnight!
* I may have exaggerated a tiny, weeny, little bit. But he was at least twice, if not three times the size of your average everyday moth. So in comparison, he was practically a bird...
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