Disappointed.

In the last week I have been disappointed more times than I care to remember. Disappointed with myself. Disappointed with certain situations. Disappointed with the British weather. Disappointed with the lack of Strawberry Daiquiri's I've consumed recently. And sadly, disappointed with friends. Therefore a blog was obviously going to have to be written about the little adjective that is 'disappointed.'

I remember when I was 5, I'd just come back from school and my mum wouldn't let me go to the park because I had a dentist appointment. I was furious, how dare she make me go to the dentist when there were swings, slides and monkey bars calling my name. So, being the brat that I was, I wanted to make her furious too. I wanted to make her feel the pain that I was feeling, having not been allowed to go to the park.

My dad was working away at the time and had sent my Mum a huge, expensive bouquet of flowers which were displayed proudly on the fireplace, next to pictures of me, naturally. Bingo. I'd found my target. I walked up to the fireplace, took one last look at the vase, and pushed it, pushed it until it fell off. *cue evil laugh* My Mum obviously heard the bang and came rushing in, she saw the vase smashed to pieces and the flowers sprawled all across the floor and calmly asked how it had happened. To which I didn't reply, I just simply pointed at my four week old baby brother. Yep, that's right. It was all Liam's fault! (To date, I think I've blamed anything and everything that has ever gone wrong on Liam. He's brilliant in that respect!) Looking back now, it wasn't the best of lies. He was only four weeks old so he couldn't crawl or walk and being strapped into a baby bouncer on the other side of the room was a massive flaw in my lie, it was also pretty obvious he hadn't done it because he could barely stay awake for longer than ten minutes let alone pick up and then drop a heavy vase, but regardless, it was worth a try!

I remember my mum briefly telling me off, saying that my Dad would have to be told (which naturally sent shivers down my spine) and then just putting me into the car and driving me to the dentist in complete silence, with not even the radio on. This was massively upsetting, I used to (and still do) love singing and dancing along to the radio when in the car. My Dad returned home the following day and sat me down in the lounge along with my Mum. I was firstly told that not only was it naughty to push the vase off the fireplace but it was also dangerous and I could have hurt myself on the broken glass. But what was even naughtier was the fact that I had lied and had blamed Liam, which was when the old corker-of-a-line "We're not angry, we're just disappointed" came out. Now, being only five years of age this kind of washed over me (if I'm honest I probably turned off after I heard the words "not angry" and thought reeeesult!) but little did I know that although that may have been the first time I'd heard that specific phrase, it certainly wouldn't be the last...

People always say that there's nothing worse than having people (or monkeys) being disappointed in you, hence the old "I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed" line that countless parents use on a daily basis. A phrase that is possibly the most powerful and disheartening thing anyone, let alone a child, can endure. I mean, anger, I can deal with. Anger can be solved with sucking up - a cup of tea and promising to walk the dog for Mum and a bar of galaxy for Dad. Job done. Disappointment though? That's a completely different ball-game.

Disappointment is a killer. It's the type of thing you think about over and over in your head, until you come to the conclusion that actually you are the worst person to have ever lived, that there is no longer any reason or need for your existence and that the world would actually be a better place without you... Just because whilst attempting to be Nigella Lawson you may have accidently set fire to the oven, which subsequently set the fire alarm off at 5am, whilst everyone else in the house was sound asleep, after you'd returned from a night out and were probably extremely drunk - but you can't quite remember, does not make you a bad person, or a disappointment. (Yet another prime example of when I've had to hear the most-feared phrase from my parents!) Whenever my parents have used it on me I've always felt a massive sense of guilt, but at the same time, I've felt relieved, in a "phew, they're not angry, I may still get that Chanel bag after all" kind of way... ahem, stiiiiill waiting for Dad.

Now... what's worse than people being disappointed in you? Is being disappointed in others. Especially when it comes from those who you don't expect it from. Those who you think would and should know better. And what's even worse than that? Being disappointed in yourself. That's the absolute worse. You can get over your disappointment in others because it was their doing, therefore their mistake, but when its yourself that you're disappointed in it's your fault and you subsequently have no one else to blame apart from yourself. No matter how hard you try to shift the blame onto your little brother... I for one am fed up of feeling disappointed, but I point blank refuse to lower my hopes and expectations of people in general, my friends or myself, just so it makes disappointment easier to accept. I'd rather expect more and be disappointed, than settle, accept and be happy with less.

Conclusion: there isn't much worse than feeling disappointed. Well apart from being hungry, and not being Rihanna... that, in my books is considered a lot worse. Isn't that right Kelly..!x