PDA’s CHS's and GGS.

Before I get into this I’d just like to congratulate you all, because if you’re reading this you officially made it through Valentine’s Day. Get in! Secondly, I’d like to dedicate this blog to all my fellow CHS’s (read on further to find out the meaning) as we are a dying-breed and as the years go by I fear for our imminent extinction. This blog is for you ladies (you know who you are ♥) the ones who put their hands up to Beyonce, the ones who don’t do cuddles and the ones who are Independent Ladies who don’t need no boyf to buy her bling… mainly because she still has her Dad wrapped round her little finger. I’m raising my metaphorical wine glass to you all.

Now seriously, I fear I may be seen as a “Bitter Betty” or a “Frigid Fiona” or even worse a “Jealous Janine” after writing this blog; however this simply isn’t the case. I’m not bitter, frigid or jealous I’m simply a CHS (Cold Hearted Slut) who doesn't agree with GGS (Girly-Guy-Syndrome) and also often doesn’t feel comfortable with PDA's (Public Displays of Affection) unless of course, they are with fellow CHS's, Lads, Dermot O’Leary, Ryan Reynolds, Chace Crawford or Rihanna. Apart from those hotties, it really isn’t likely to happen.

First up on my agenda for this blog is the question: Since when have guys become so girly and girls become so lad-like? When I use the adjective ‘girly’ I don’t mean the guys you see mincing around in eye-liner, or the ones who wax their eyebrows, chests and legs, I’m talking about the guys who love feelings. Guys who are in constant need of attention and affection. The ones who like to cuddle. And as for the lad-like girls, I’m not talking about the beer guzzlers who walk around in Timberlands and refuse to wear mascara or brush their hair, I’m talking about the girls who are able to use guys without getting emotionally involved. The Samantha Jones’ of the world if you would.

I’m going to use a couple of films which help my hypothesis. First up: “No Strings Attached”. This is the new Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman film. (Swoon, on both accounts.) I went to watch this on Valentine’s Day with some of the most perfect Valentines ever created. Anyway, it’s basically a film based around “fuck buddies” “links” “casual sexual intercourse partners” “friends with benefits” “shag pals” (haha Stephen!) Anyway you catch my drift, but as per usual, one of them gets feelings which inevitably ruins the whole no-strings-attached deal. Now usually in this situation one would presume it would be the girl who gets emotionally involved/clingy/desperate/needy/whatever you want to call it, but nope, not in this film. It was actually Emma (pure coincidence that we share the same name) who wasn’t that overly fussed with settling down, and was more than happy to use Adam purely for sex and just to keep their relationship physical. Whilst Adam wanted more, he organised cute silly gestures and generally just acted like a big girl..

The same sort of storyline occurs in “500 days of Summer”, but a more extreme version, which ends with the emotionally attached guy being left heart-broken by a Cold Hearted Slut. Last night I was referred to as said CHS, Summer. Whilst I was going off on a slightly intoxicated induced rant Megan tweeted me saying “I just had a random epiphany! Emma is Summer from 500 days of summer!” This led to me questioning why I wasn’t a Hollywood movie star? Alas here I am writing this blog about these state of affairs, when really I should be attending the Oscars alongside Ash Kutch, Nat Port and Chace Craw, because my life is quite clearly a film.. Anyway enough of my life-loathing, I digress.. it also led me to questioning whether I am actually a real-life Summer/Emma? Am I going to end up dying alone because I'm such a feeling-phobe? Or is it maybe because I'm yet to meet and to be swept off my feet by Dermot O'Leary/Chace Crawford/Ryan Reynolds/Rihanna. I mean I'd totes cuddle them. In recent times it would seem that a lot of guys enjoy playing the "girl" role. The one who becomes a little more dependent than the other. Whilst the girls enjoy adopting the "Lad" role and Hollywood has been glorifying this role reversal with numerous films, see Love and Other Drugs as another. Of course, this may also just be happening because I surround myself with fellow CHS’s who share the same values and beliefs as I do... but that would ruin my fun so shh.

Next topic: Public Displays of Affection. These are the physical demonstrations of affection for another person whilst in the view and often company of others. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, groping and inappropriate grinding are just some of the said acts. Possibly one of the worst forms of PDA’s which sends shivers down my spine and makes me want to chunder all over the guilty couple is the gooey gazing into each other’s eyes. VOMIT. There is no need for that, so please refrain from it, unless in your own company. In some cases I truly believe that PDA’s are a form of exhibitionism. I often feel that the couples eat each other’s faces just to show off how in love they are (or believe themselves to be) and also to let everyone know that they are sexually active. Well done, gold stars all round. "Ok, now everybody take some rubbers.."

Personally, I’ve never been one for showing an OTT amount of public affection. I have to admit that I have shamefully partaked in such activities, but what teenager hasn't eaten another teenagers face in the park? Thankfully I saw the error of my ways and grew out of that stage so nowadays unless the person has just bought me a Mulberry/Chanel/Louis Vuitton bag or pair of nice shoes (in which case that generous person will receive a big fat smacker right on their kisser) you won't find me going around PDA-ing in peoples faces. I am a firm believer of do it in your own time and in your own company. Thanks.

I recently found myself in a couple of; let’s call them, “situations.” The first one being whilst walking through town I felt a hand grab and hold onto mine, being the CHS that I am I was quick (it took me no more than 5 seconds) in my reaction, and shook that stray hand straight off. I subsequently spent the rest of the afternoon with both hands glued to my phone, chatting away on Bbm telling my fellow CHS’s about the hideous incident that had just occurred. Another situ occurred when at pre-drinks in front of friends when I received a kiss out of nowhere, for no reason. I returned the loving gesture with a glare (of the not-so-loving fashion.) Needless to say, it hasn't happened again.

Now, to most of you reading this, it will probably seem that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, but that’s because you are partial to feelings, you don’t mind being openly smoochie and affectionate. As for the few of you who agree with me on this matter, firstly *high five* (we are a rare breed and because of this we must stick together) and secondly I now officially name you a CHS. Welcome to the gang! Lastly I'd just like to say that I do actually, after all of that, have a heart. I do coo over little puppies and kittens. I do feel sad when the Oxfam adverts come of the tv and show people in deprived countries. And I do shed a genuine tear when my mum spills her cup of tea over the Heat magazine. Huff! And on that note, I'm done.

Bye.

(Please note the lack of kisses on this blog. I felt it would be hypocritical to put any after my rant. However, this doesn’t mean I don’t love you all, because I do. Unfortunately I’m just not prepared to go around and eat all of your faces, soz mate!)

Valentine’s Day and the trials and tribulations that come with it.

So three days ago we bid a fond farewell to January, mine was more of a "good riddance I effing hate you, you’re the worst month to ever exist” kind of goodbye, but each to their own. And next up we have February. The home to what can only be described as THE most sickening, cringiest, and for some the most depressing day of the year. Step forward Valentine’s Day. ♥

The 14th of February sends shivers down my spine, even more so than a life without Britney. That’s how much I hate the day. Even when in a relationship I hate it. The first year with my ex he forgot. This didn’t go down too well and was my first proper encounter with a shit V-day. The second year he bought me shoes that Victoria Beckham owned. Credit where credits due, he did well there. Last year’s was spent with the “Prince” who got me a pink Snuggie (totes wanted one for ages) a bottle of my favourite rose and some happy hippos. Presents with thought behind them count for a lot more than an expensive bouquet of flowers. *Bear this in mind guys when purchasing gifts* Last year I was also lucky enough to receive a poem from a not-so secret admirer, which still makes me laugh now when I reread it! Before that it had always been the odd card from randoms along with the guaranteed one that would be slipped under my bedroom door in the morning, addressed to “Scooby” and love from a “?” Hmm, 21 years later and I still haven’t a clue who these are from. *Love you Dad!*

But anyway enough of that let's get down to the nitty gritty. When is too early to "celebrate" Valentine's Day. When is it necessary to give a card, or a present, or to go out for dinner, or (and heaven forbid) do all three? I mean seriously, what are the rules of Valentine's Day? If you're not officially together what do you have to do to be acceptable? And even if you are together some people would rather not celebrate anyway. And what about if one of you absolutely loves it whilst the other loathes it, what do you do then?

In a hypothetical world, let's say you're seeing someone and you decide to participate in the day that has the title of Valentine's. What card do you opt for? They are the same every year. Titled to "my boyfriend" well he's not your boyfriend yet (no matter how much others may insist that he is) so you can't get one of them. Or to "the man of my dreams" is he the man of your dreams? That's a bit keen if you're only seeing someone. Or the dreaded to "the one I love" or a simple "I love you." That would be a no again, its probably only been a couple of months. Hold your effing horses will you Hallmark (and all other popular card making companies.) Unless of course you're the type of person who changes their boyfriend/girlfriend more regularly than their bed sheets, falls in love within a week and has the facebook statuses to prove it. *Ahem*... (Anyway that's another blog!) I'd like to know where all the cards that say "To the guy I have a laugh, get along and enjoy spending time with" are hidden, because I've never seen one. And trust me, I've looked! Looks like the only way would be to get creative and make your own, dig out the old glitter glues and work it!

And even worse than the seeing-someone-dilemma what about all the single people out there. What are they meant to do? Sit in a dark room, rocking back and forth, crying to themselves about how no one loves them? NO. This is simply not on Valentine's Day. You can take your poxy cards, your stupid adverts *shoots Moonpig and match.com in the faces* your ridiculous gifts, such as bunting (seriously, heart shaped bunting to decorate the house with) and your silly crackers that come in a pack of two (it gets worse) and shove them up your probably heart shaped arse.

All in all, I think Valentine's Day is more aggro than it is actually worth. It's a load of hyped up commercial tosh. I know it's a predictable thing to say but I'll say it anyway, why is it only one day a year when we're told to show how much we love our partners? We don't need a specific day for it. Surely it should happen every day without it being forced upon us, if we are genuinely in love. Yes, don't get me wrong it is a nice gesture to receive some beautiful flowers or have a lovely meal cooked for you but why can't this happen on the 14th of March, or June or November? Why is it such a necessity in February? I for one am making a stand. Eff you Valentine's Day, EFF YOU. (However, I'd like to point out that all cards and gifts will obviously be welcomed with open arms...!)

I haven't much else to say, apart from roll on the 16th! (People will still be gloating about how their amazing boyf took them out/cooked them dinner and showered them in red roses on the 15th. However luckily by the 16th they’ll probably have lost their beloved boyf back to his ps3 and the usual boyfriend-hating will commence.)
I look forward to this day. And I'll see you all on the other side… if we make it!

P.S. As for people who propose on Valentine's day, FYL. Get some originality. That's all. x